The Happy Guilt of Being – Home Alone

I gulp down the warm water filled in the glass.

It feels good on the throat early in the morning. I missed yoga class today because yesterday night I did what I wanted to – I watched a movie with no pauses, breaks or interruptions. Surprisingly I saw the entire movie without moving my butt for getting water, regulating fan speed, switching off fan and lights, arranging the small necessities (tea, coffee, munching) which arise only when a crucial scene is in play and the significant other is so glued to the box that if he moves, his eyes may just be left behind.

Not only did I watch a movie, I sort of binged. I watched two movies back to back.

Don’t be jealous, it’s Karma.

How else can one explain the telecast of two of my absolute favourites on the same day on television?

Oh Yeah! I can already hear some voices say ‘So what, many of us do that!’

Well I don’t. I am from the elite category of homemakers who are sort of career oriented to the extent that they want to do something in life because of which ‘once upon a time’ they declared in life that television doesn’t figure in their scheme of things!

Guess who took this seriously? The male, the entire clan and self!

So inevitably for years together there has rarely been a scene where I have not been asked to leave my comfort and move around to fulfil the wishes of the entire clan. Sometimes it seems they are working in tandem to make the mystery fall apart for me.

Alright so I watched movies – where is Karma?

As I explained earlier, I am an ‘I want to do something in life’ kind of person and apparently I am a writer. I love telling stories through my words and there is always something juggling in the upper chamber. But writers are fussy. They need mood, they need setting and they need silence. And they need all three in combination. Is it too much to demand?

Even one ingredient missing makes the situation unworthy to write.

The past two months one thing or other was missing. The hustle and bustle of family life detaches you from everything else you are. And to top it all the sultry summer in Delhi over emphasised its presence burning all that comes its way including the ideas in my head.

So here is Karma – Since yesterday the weather turned writerly!

Apologies for using a non-existent word but you can give me points for being creative. And if you think I wasted time watching movies while I could write – YOU ARE WRONG. I managed to churn a thousand words into a story.

All this resultant of me being HOME ALONE!

(Too many exclamation marks in this one – but need I explain why)

The problem though is something else.

Bred in the woman is a corrupt virus infected software called GUILT!

We manage to feel guilty for no reason at all. While I will not deny the guilt does exist within my system, I am also letting out the secret – I have managed to quarantine it.

So call me unconcerned, irresponsible, selfish or whatever lovely adjectives you want, I have armour which leaves me unperturbed. The armour is called ‘Half Way Through Life, Seen Enough To Know It Is Mine To Live’.

Yes it is a struggle. Only because the rest of the world believes that the part is the whole. That being a mother, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law or employee is you but in reality they are just small parts that you play. Expectation management is a concept we suck at though that is what we should be trained for in the first place. I have been through the phase that sacrifice is the ultimate tool for a happy relationship – No it is definitely not! You sacrifice today, and you are bound to crib tomorrow.

So with all this Gyaan that I churned out of my insignificant yet important life, I can happily live with the guilt of being a loner and enjoy it too.

And if you don’t believe in my talk about Karma, just check the weather report of Delhi. It is ready to grace my occasion of being Home Alone with the first long awaited rain of the season.

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6 thoughts on “The Happy Guilt of Being – Home Alone

  1. I feel ya! Guilt, yes, we women have vat fulls of it. “Oh lemme watch this part, but oh God, I still have to change baby’s bedsheets!” We never stop making lives comfortable for others. Good thing you found yourself alone. That’s a luxury we seldom have. Here’s hoping you have many more of such days 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Great post. My wife joined a camping group called Sisters on the Fly last year. Their excursions usually last 3 to 4 days at a time. This gives me the quiet, private time to write I don’t otherwise get when she’s there (making me feel guilty for not interacting with her).

    Even when she’s trying to be quiet and give me privacy, I find it hard to write when I know she’s in the house.

    Liked by 1 person

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